I never attempted it or hurt myself in any way, but if things ever got bad, I had a plan for how it would go (driving into a light pole at a very high speed). I had friends and I socialized, but I also contemplated killing myself more than a handful of times. I desperately wanted something permanent in my life, as everything around me changing, from transitioning to my freshman year of college to my parents getting ready to move away (from Rhode Island to Ohio) And it’s hard to admit it even now, but I was terribly depressed then, to the extent I wish someone had noticed or stepped in to tell me things were going to get better and that it was going to be okay. Not only was it one of my favorite 2Pac songs-that synthesized vocal of “Only god can judge me noBut there were other reasons, too. But I was sure that “Only God Can Judge Me” was the right tat for me. If I had the funds to do so, I probably would have. Thinking about it, I’m surprised that the words “Me Against The World” never got stamped on my left bicep. Additionally, I just embraced the Me Against The World mindset so much that I felt like everyone was against me (I promise you, they weren’t). I wrote about how troubled and alone I was, and I’m 99 percent sure I ripped off the entirety of his song “Until The End of Time” and most of his The Rose That Grew From Concrete collection in my scribblings. So I started writing, too, mostly horrendous poetry that I’m thrilled to say is difficult to find in any form these days. But it was his writing that connected with me, that honesty and genuine feel you get from hearing his voice. I admired his love for the arts, and how he studied acting at the Baltimore School for the Arts. When I wrote the essay, I wanted to go to school for creative writing, and there was no one more suited to influence me in that regard than 2Pac. Not a parent, teacher, or coach a dead artist whom I’d never met, only idolized. And it’s not like it ever got terribly creepy or anything, but here’s a slightly embarrassing revelation: I wrote about how dude was “the most influential person” in my life for my college applications. Did I think I did at the time? Of course. Many people manage depression, and you can be one of them.Could I really relate to any of it? No. Depression can feel neverending and all-consuming, and you might feel as if you’ll never get better.
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